Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Blog the First

So.  I'm going to do this slowly.  Feel my way through.   These won't be like my other blogs; "what do you like about writing, etc".  Very personal.  Maybe too personal for some.  You'll learn a lot about me and my family and my faith.  Maybe too much.  But I want to open up, and lately I've sensed friends out there who want ME to open up.  So here it is.  And, I won't always tag a video on.  Only when it seems appropriate.

I won't blog again until next week.  It'd be easy to blog every day right now; school's out.  BUT, I want to lay down a routine that will carry me when school is back in session, a once or twice a week deal. The candle that burns half as bright, and all that.

To begin with. I am a Christian.  A man of faith (though poor and inconsistent at times).  I believe in the unseen.  I have to. I'm wired that way.  Everything has a reason.  A purpose.  Meaning.  I do have certain doctrinal beliefs that I don't feel the need to trot out here.  It's enough to know that I believe in God, that Christ was real and died on the cross for us, and there is a Plan.

I'm not a "Christian Horror Writer", though, nor do I write "Christian Horror".  I hate labels.  Plus, I believe Art works best through subtleties and indirect themes with broad applications.  Does  this mean I'm presumptuous and pretentious enough to call myself an artist?  You bet.

But if there's one thing I can't stand is superiority.  Arrogance.  Self-righteousness.  You'll find none of that here.  I believe in Purpose and Destiny, and What Comes After.  I have very defined feelings about this that I'm glad to share in a conversation. But I will not proselytize, and I will not apologize for that.  So deal with it.

Like the stories I've sold about my faith, my blogs will be about God's interaction with OUR lives - my family's life.  I make no effort to apply it to anyone else.  I do not feel smug or "special because of my faith".  I'm no better than you.  Most the time, I feel lost and broken. 

In closing, most of the time, my faith feels like the following video.  Once again, it's given a little to dramatics, but the words always tell the story.  And yes, it's a little "screamo", but some truth?  On the outside, I'm pretty laid back and relaxed, go with the flow, unstressed.  This isn't a facade.  It's truth.  But on the inside, I'm screaming.

Almost every day.  This is truth, too.



And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you
And this is who I am when, when I don't know myself anymore
And this is what I choose when it's all left up to me

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me

And this is how it looks when I am standing on the edge
And this is how I break apart when I finally hit the ground
And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don't feel any pain
And this is how I disappear when I throw myself away

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
Breathe into me

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me