Saturday, January 8, 2011

Frustrated for No Good Reason


Here I am.

Gonna keep this short.  Been a little....I don't know, lately.  Frustrated.  Bottled up. Problem is, the things I want to say are the same old things I've gotten tired of saying and feeling, so I really don't want to go there.  I don't want this to turn into a pissy rant, so I'll just keep things brief.

School will never change.  I see that now.  I'm an okay teacher.  Not the best, and not the worst. I'm all right with that.  If I'm going to dedicate myself to writing and still remain committed to my family, something's gotta give elsewhere.  Teaching's it, and I've accepted that.

I'll never be the guy they dedicate a yearbook to.  When students look back and remember teachers who changed their lives, I won't be the one they remember.  They like me well enough and think I'm  "pretty chill".  A good teacher that does not make, though.

Oh, by the way?  Did I mention that I'm horribly insecure and have poor self esteem?

Just in case you didn't notice.

My MA seems to have ground to a halt.  I have to take a written Spanish test to graduate (I know. A Spanish test to get an MA in Creative Writing.  Let's not go there).  I haven't taken Spanish since high school.  Don't remember any of it.  I'd need to take a class to LEARN it again, not even just refresh it.  And I just can't.  After bulling my way through 40 credits the last two years, I'm just burned out.

And no one seems to get that but me.

I look around at publishing.  Small press.  Specialty press.  Clustered little genre factions.  Christian fiction.  And I can't help but feel a healthy disdain for it all.  I'm sorry folks, but I didn't grow up reading that stuff, didn't fall in love with that stuff.  I know our dreams and reality rarely coincide, but when I look around at the horror genre and then it's alternative the Christian genre, (and that doesn't mean there aren't writers in both genres I adore; quite the opposite), more and more I snort in derision. 

I'd open  my mouth to say something...but you know what?

That just makes me tired, too.  Billions of blogs out in cyberspace, all of us yapping into nothing and none of us listening.  Often, that's what I feel blogging is.

Anyway.  I obviously need to eat something; obviously need my caffeine.  And I'm obviously frustrated about nothing.  

It'll pass.  Eventually. 'Cause I got an awesome wife and two awesome kids, and also?

I've got God, too.  I know that's not  so popular to say these days, but screw it.  And I also know I'm not the best at living the way I should, but in the end...I hope I know... or am coming to know...what's most important.

But that's all internal.  You'll still never catch me telling others how to live.  That pisses me off  just as much as everything else.



So endeth the rant.