Thursday, December 29, 2011

Crossroads: 2011 Retrospective, 2012 Preview

So I had this big huge blog all typed up - half finished, really - about Dean Koontz, post-modernism/idealism, authorial intrusion, Norman Patridge, and empathetic characters....

And then looked at the thing and thought: "Meh.  Who cares?"

I deleted it.

Then, I was going to blog about my 10 or 20 favorite books of 2011.  I read almost as much as I write, so I figured my opinions might sorta be somewhat valid.

Then, I saw about twenty OTHER writers doing the same thing on Facebook.  Once again, the "Meh" factor kicked in.

And really, it's come down to this: Blog, or write fiction? (because some people will maintain that blogging is writing, and it is...but which is the better use of my time?)

Obviously, I'll choose fiction every time.  So what I'm going to do is get myself together, head to the library, and so some writing.

I'm a little down about my "career" - such as it is - lately.  But I'm doing my best to keep my chin up, not complain about it a whole lot.  And I'm also starting to form - how shall we say - some really negative opinions concerning stuff that's happening in the horror small press lately.  Also just trying to let those things go, as annoying as they are.  I just hear people saying stuff, then see stuff that completely contradicts what I hear them saying.

But that's human nature. It's like that everywhere - at the workplace, in families, in the business world.  Certainly not limited to publishing or the horror genre. 

Again, maybe this is a sign.  That I should hang it up? Who knows. Even if it is a sign for me to quit, I probably won't listen.  I'm stubborn that way.  More and more, it's forcing me to realize I'm at a crossroads, here.

One I'm stuck at.

As I see folks I started with two years plunging way ahead of me. See folks I gave advice to two years ago completely outpace me.  And here I am, stuck in idle, forced to mull these questions over and over every single day:

What type of writer do I want to be?
Am I really a "horror" writer? Suspense/Supernatural Thriller?Adventure? Dark Fantasy? Does it matter?
Where do I want to concentrate my efforts? The small press? Micro Press? Or really commit myself to insanity, and only aim at the top?
Do Cons really matter? Would my career be any worse off if I never went to another Con, ever?

Please forgive me if this sounds overly whining or complaining. I'm trying not to be that way. Trying very hard to walk the fine line between being honest and saying too much.  But, as I stand here and look at 2012 ahead, I can only think of one thing that would keep me writing.

And that's the writing.

The desire to see the finished story.

So that's how I'm going to spend my day, the rest of 2011, and all of 2012. All those questions above? Who knows? I have no answers for those.  The only answer to any question I have is this:

Will I ever stop writing?

We'll see....